HEY YOU’RE BACK!! Thanks for returning to hear more about my crazy road trip across America. I took a break from the series last week, this week things get REAL, not that they weren’t already real with you know… almost dying in Indiana (that may have been slightly dramatic). Wait… are you just catching this series? Well, then let’s get you all caught up. 🙂 Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3
This is it. This is where I lose my freakin’ mind and UGLY CRY! This is where I don’t care who is in the truck, I don’t hide behind my shades and silently cry to myself, I don’t care. So many of you kept saying I was so strong, and I thank you, but I’m not anymore strong than you are. That road trip was testing my level of sanity. I would finally meet my breaking point in Wisconsin.
The day we left Chicagoland the weather was supposed to be rainy, but when we left it was beautiful, the sun was shining, the Starbucks was flowing, and we were still on a sugar high. However, ahead of us, unknowingly, we were about to face a storm. The sky in Wisconsin looked erie, I knew we were about to go into something that I did not want to. We couldn’t turn around, nobody could, we all kept driving into the darkness ahead. The sky would clear up a bit and we would think “YAY, we drove through it!,” but then it would return with a smirk and a little more glum.
The water poured from the sky beating hard on our truck on all our stuff tied down with ratchet straps and that wonderfully beautiful blue tarp. We could barely see 2 feet in front of us, I was scared, we were scared. Thankfully, we saw a gas station ahead. We parked under the awning at the gas station, we weren’t the only ones who did this, that gas station was packed! Not everyone was purchasing gas under the awning, but people were filling up on road trip snacks. Me? Well, I was breaking down! Hail started to pelt our truck and the awning, the rain looked like it was never going to stop, and I lost it.
I wanna go home…
I cried so hard. I think I may have even said a few colorful words. I know I said this, “I just want to go HOME!” But the thing about that is, I don’t know where home is. We were driving to Washington, sure, but it wasn’t home, nor did we have a place to stay yet. (We were still waiting on corporate housing to be set up for us.) South Carolina was actually starting to feel like home, but that house was not ours, it was already in the process of being revamped for the owner to takeover.
We had just left Illinois and that felt like home, but when I said HOME, I’m not sure what I wanted geographically. I just knew I wanted to be off the road with my family, we could just all be together safely watching Netflix, eating popcorn, or maybe, I did want South Carolina. I don’t know I was confused, did I really like South Carolina? (I kind of do, and if I’m being honest, I DO miss South Carolina, I miss the beach! But..maybe… I’m just missing living the memories…)
I’m not strong. I’m human. I’m humanly flawed. I’m sitting here crying, again! Have you ever read The Fault In Our Stars? Do you remember when Augustus puts the cigarette in his mouth? He doesn’t give the cigarette the power.
Sometimes I feel like Augustus, no I do not carry around cigarettes to show them who’s boss, I have more of a placebo, not a metaphor. I carry around a bottle of Xanax. I know they are there if I need them, but just having them makes me feel better. I don’t take them, and surprisingly after all the BS I went through while on the road, I still did not take them. That doesn’t make me strong at all. If I would have taken them perhaps my chest wouldn’t have felt like I ran a marathon, I may not have melted down, or I wouldn’t have spent my time in the shower crying.
I knew if I would have taken the Xanax chances were I would have fallen asleep. I didn’t want to sleep, I wanted to keep my eyes on the road. I’ve had that bottle for a year now. It’s been one whole year. Having it near me in my purse as an option made me feel a little better, snapping my wrist, chewing on Altoids, and counting all helped out . (Lavender helps too.) Crying uncontrollably in the truck was kind of a low point for me. I felt bad, sad, and mad, but when you’re a Mommy, you have to pull it together. I finally calmed myself after letting it out, and plus the kids were being so sweet to me, I had to stop.
Running in the rain into the gas station helped. The rain washed away my tears and seeing others going through a similar situation kind of made me feel better, like we weren’t alone. The ran finally slowed and we got back on the road. We drove through more rain, but nothing as bad as we had in Wisconsin.
Thanks for following along!! XOXO
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