Lifestyle, Motherhood, The Move

Across Country With THREE Kids, a Dog, and Our Sanity {Part IV}

HEY YOU’RE BACK!! Thanks for returning to hear more about my crazy road trip across America. I took a break from the series last week, this week things get REAL, not that they weren’t already real with you knowalmost dying in Indiana (that may have been slightly dramatic).  Wait… are you just catching this series? Well, then let’s get you all caught up. 🙂 Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 

Not All Who Wander Are Lost| Mrs. AOK, A Work In Progress

Breakdown

This is it. This is where I lose my freakin’ mind and UGLY CRY! This is where I don’t care who is in the truck, I don’t hide behind my shades and silently cry to myself, I don’t care. So many of you kept saying I was so strong, and I thank you, but I’m not anymore strong than you are. That road trip was testing my level of sanity. I would finally meet my breaking point in Wisconsin.The Littles Road trip 2015

Road Trip Across Country with THREE kiddos

The day we left Chicagoland the weather was supposed to be rainy, but when we left it was beautiful, the sun was shining, the Starbucks was flowing, and we were still on a sugar high. However, ahead of us, unknowingly, we were about to face a storm. The sky in Wisconsin looked erie, I knew we were about to go into something that I did not want to. We couldn’t turn around, nobody could, we all kept driving into the darkness ahead. The sky would clear up a bit and we would think “YAY, we drove through it!,” but then it would return with a smirk and a little more glum.

The water poured from the sky beating hard on our truck on all our stuff tied down with ratchet straps and that wonderfully beautiful blue tarp. We could barely see 2 feet in front of us, I was scared, we were scared. Thankfully, we saw a gas station ahead. We parked under the awning at the gas station, we weren’t the only ones who did this, that gas station was packed! Not everyone was purchasing gas under the awning, but people were filling up on road trip snacks. Me? Well, I was breaking down! Hail started to pelt our truck and the awning, the rain looked like it was never going to stop, and I lost it.

I wanna go home…

I cried so hard. I think I may have even said a few colorful words. I know I said this, “I just want to go HOME!” But the thing about that is, I don’t know where home is. We were driving to Washington, sure, but it wasn’t home, nor did we have a place to stay yet. (We were still waiting on corporate housing to be set up for us.) South Carolina was actually starting to feel like home, but that house was not ours, it was already in the process of being revamped for the owner to takeover.

We had just left Illinois and that felt like home, but when I said HOME, I’m not sure what I wanted geographically. I just knew I wanted to be off the road with my family, we could just all be together safely watching Netflix, eating popcorn, or maybe, I did want South Carolina. I don’t know I was confused, did I really like South Carolina? (I kind of do, and if I’m being honest, I DO miss South Carolina, I miss the beach! But..maybe… I’m just missing living the memories…)

Home is the nicest word there is. Nancy Ingalls Wilder| Quote| Quotes by women| That's What She Said Link-up

I’m not strong. I’m human. I’m humanly flawed. I’m sitting here crying, again! Have you ever read The Fault In Our Stars? Do you remember when Augustus puts the cigarette in his mouth? He doesn’t give the cigarette the power.

It's a metaphor FIOS

It's a metaphor

Okay? Okay.

Sometimes I feel like Augustus, no I do not carry around cigarettes to show them who’s boss, I have more of a placebo, not a metaphor.  I carry around a bottle of Xanax. I know they are there if I need them, but just having them makes me feel better. I don’t take them, and surprisingly after all the BS I went through while on the road, I still did not take them. That doesn’t make me strong at all. If I would have taken them perhaps my chest wouldn’t have felt like I ran a marathon, I may not have melted down, or I wouldn’t have spent my time in the shower crying.

I knew if I would have taken the Xanax chances were I would have fallen asleep. I didn’t want to sleep, I wanted to keep my eyes on the road. I’ve had that bottle for a year now. It’s been one whole year. Having it near me in my purse as an option made me feel a little better, snapping my wrist, chewing on Altoids, and counting all helped out . (Lavender helps too.) Crying uncontrollably in the truck was kind of a low point for me. I felt bad, sad, and mad, but when you’re a Mommy, you have to pull it together. I finally calmed myself after letting it out, and plus the kids were being so sweet to me, I had to stop.

The cure for anything is salt water

Running in the rain into the gas station helped.  The rain washed away my tears and seeing others going through a similar situation kind of made me feel better, like we weren’t alone. The ran finally slowed and we got back on the road. We drove through more rain, but nothing as bad as we had in Wisconsin.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3Part 4, and  End of the Road.

Thanks for following along!! XOXO

 

© 2015 – 2016, Dean @Mrs. AOK, A Work In Progress. All rights reserved.

21 thoughts on “Across Country With THREE Kids, a Dog, and Our Sanity {Part IV}”

  1. My shoulders get tight, my breath quickens, and I want to wrap you in a big ‘ol bear hug — reading about your trip is definitely a workout for my heart. 🙂

    I’ve learned “home” is an easy place to define in happy times, and the hardest place to do so during a storm. You say you’re not strong, but it’s easy to see you’re faring well during this storm, tears and all.

    1. I receive your bear hug and thank you! 🙂 I appreciate your kind words, Sarah.
      Speaking of “home” I heard you mention living in Texas, I’m from Texas. I was born and raised in Central Texas.
      XOXO

  2. Aw, sweetie!! Breaking down and crying doesn’t mean you aren’t strong — it means you’re human! I would have been so with you on this. After everything you and your family had been through! I’ve been on the highway in storms like that and it is TERRIFYING! And to not have a real home to return to. I don’t know how you guys do it. I got all sad moving from one city to the next last year, and we’re less than a mile from the previous house we had been living in. You just moved all the way across the country. I think you are strong and brave. Thanks for sharing your story!

    1. I totally agree crying doesn’t make you weak. Crying actual helps, it’s almost like a cleanse. I kept hearing strong, and I thought, me? No I’m not strong, I’m no more stronger than any other mother/woman put in the same situation. However, there were plenty of times throughout the trip where I felt weak because I felt like I wasn’t in control, I couldn’t fully protect my babes, or my husband’s driving (thankfully he still loves me after my passenger seat driving), and I couldn’t control my emotions.

      You’re right though we’re brave. I keep telling my kids I’m in awe of them with the moves, but I should be a little more in awe of myself too. Again, I’m my harshest critic.
      Thanks, Bev!
      XOXO

  3. You snap your wrist too? I learned that once. I wear two hair ties – one for my hair and one to snap my wrist for anxiety relief. That and cold water, deep breathing, counting, lavender, whatever. I used to carry a packet of klonopin too. I never took any!

    1. I cannot say I haven’t taken any, I have. I tap my wrist too. Have you heard of tapping? Yes, I’m a snapper. I wonder if anyone ever notices. I wore nausea wristbands for some of our trip too 😀
      XOXO

      1. Please tell me about wrist tapping! I Googled it and came up empty.
        These are times I know we are twins. Twins. I use those nausea wristbands too, and not for pregnancy.

    1. Yes, no place like home! My home just got better with the addition of one super awesome mug!!! Yours is going out tomorrow, I ordered it online and it showed up on Thursday; I hope you love it.
      XOXO

    1. This is something I’m happy to say has been crossed off the list. Although, I may consider RV’ing across country no U-haul, tarps, boxes, or ratchet straps included. 🙂
      XOXO

  4. Glad to hear you got through the bad weather safely. Few things are scarier than being out driving in such awful weather. I hope you get to where you’re going soon and happily 🙂

    1. We’re here! 🙂 I’m so happy we made it, we’re creating new normal & it feels so good. :)Thanks for your kind words, Becca.
      XOXO

  5. I would have a couple of meltdowns. You guys definitely had one of the toughest and roughest moves I’ve ever heard about. My sanity would have been flew out the window. However, it’s trying times like that helps us to see what we are capable of enduring and reassures us that we are indeed resilient creatures.

    I’m glad you loved SC so much that it started to feel like home. I love my home state and have been thinking about moving back myself. There’s just something about the people, the places and the food that are all so comforting, peaceful and soothing for me.

    1. We are resilient creatures, I need to remind myself of this much more. I had a love/like/not so much like relationship with South Carolina. There were things I didn’t like about SC, but then there were things I absolutely loved. I do miss the southern charm!
      XOXO

  6. Being on the road when there is a storm is always terrible. I was once driving back home when there was a tornado warning out and I had to stop a a gas station. That was really scary. I’m glad your family made it through the storm.

  7. I also enjoy reading everyone’s comments…But this post makes me feel better. Is that weird?! lol It is so nice to realize that I’m not alone in those moments when I am just. so. human. I really need to read that book, and isn’t there a movie now, too?! Have you seen it? I gotta get with the program over here haha

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